I'll take you back, always...

So I've not been very good at spending time with God lately,
at all really,
little prayers throughout my day, hearing his voice, in the day to day,
but not setting aside that unadultered just me and God time,
It's been a couple of weeks,
One of my good freinds that I haven't spoken to in FOREVER called
It was amazing
catching up on life,
remembering where we once were,
reflecting on where we are now,
where we desire to be...
a short pause- "I'm going to let you go, I feel COMPELLED to spend time with God" cool, YAY Jesus, he's gonna spend time with you, and inspiration came while talking to me, yay, cool God...
so I feel convicted.
I NEED to spend time with God,
EVERY bone in my body longs for it, aches within me I feel so far, its been a whle,
so I try
and after long periods of time not spending time with God, it always feels awkward,
I don't know what to do,
I fumble around gathering books, and my journal, and my Bible, what do I read should I read should I pray, should I write, how to go about this? I get frusterated with all the preparations and set it aside, can't do this...
"God, help me to spend time with you. I miss you, I love you, I need to surrender, I need your help, don't let me avoid you, I need you, my every breath I breath for you, show me how to know you more, don't let me fall away"

AND HE DIDN'T ...

The next day I woke up EXHAUSTED after sleeping, I woke up feeling like I hadn't slept in weeks (maybe a little exagerated but still...) and my Trapezius muscles totaly tense (they are the muscles that start on the back of your head (occipital lobe) and go down all the way into your shoulder blade. The part of my neck was hurting - and I knew it was spiritual - but I didnt' know how.
So I did the whole spiritual warfare thing, assuming it was an attack,
but I didn't experience that lift like I normally do when I sense oppressive spirits leave.
I asked God what it had to do with, for the holy spirit to come and show me, no reply...
And then I asked for the most powerful angels to come and rage war, and I felt a lift, as though claws were leaving the nape of my neck, like a loosening of grips, but at the same time holding on by one talonesque thing, holding on, and resisting in my left shoulder blade, like it had shifted.
So I asked God what is that one thing?
Am I holding onto something,
am I sinning in some area that I am giving the enemy access to prey on?
... A couple of things come up, and I confess them, but there is still something. I pray and go to sleep.

And wake up hours later in EXCRUCIATING pain,
not only is the pain unbearable in my neck,
but the pain was causing a nauseaousness that almost sent me to hang my head over the procelin...

And at this point I knew I needed help,
this was bigger than me,
I contemplated texting or calling someone, so that they could take up arms with me,
And I asked God who I should call,
and he responds with, you have people RIGHT HERE
BUT Gaaawwwwd, I whine,
I don't want to wake them up,
I'd much rather wake up my young adult freinds who are used to more eratic sleep patterns, who don't have to wake up uber early and take kids to daycare before work,
no response - he had already told me where to take this

so I walk down the dark hallway to the last door on the left and knock so lightly (as not to wake them up, when I'm really looking to wake them up...),
no response
so I knock a little bit louder
and I am greeted at the door by my aunt

So I explain my situation
relating to her what I view as a spiritual attack
so we walk into my room to pray
there was a mix of praying to God, and comanding the enemy to leave in Jesus name,
and then she paused for a while as she massaged part of my back (that wasn't hurting, but as she did released some of the pain higher)
and she had some VERY STRONG words from God

She was given insight into my life that I hadn't shared about,
she was given words of knowledge that laid the innerworkings of my heart bare,
and at the end of each thing, an invitation to surrender these areas -(that I thought I had completely surrendered- but evidentillay had picked back up again)

She brought my rose next to my airmattress on the floor, and she said tha tGod wants it near me, its a reminder to WAIT, that he will look after my heart, and basically an reinvite to continue down a path to healing of my emotions, that he wants a greater healing, and to wait, that he will heal my emotions, and THEN introduce someone into my life, but to wait for that. and to continue with him in this journey to heal my heart... WHEW!

So this was a catalyst
for me to pour out my heart before the throne of my king
to lay my heart before him
bare
once more
unashamed in his presence
and able to place my heart in his hands
full of pent up hurts
and disapointments
and unforgiveness
and desires
and descouragement
and with that I fell asleep with peace still with some soreness in my neck,
but the brunt of it gone

and when I awoke this morning, there was more to bring before him,
and I fell asleep again
for the whole morning and into the afternoon
but it was good
it was refreshing
it was needed

to rest
to recover
to receive that ministry that one receives while sleeping
to interceed in that way that only one can while asleep
to be able to just be.

And it is good

The pain is still here,
and its a constant reminder to keep bringing what comes up back to him, that he wants to carry it all - that I wasn't ment to