New Blog

I Am My Beloved's and He is Mine

A cloud passing through on a windy afternoon

Being back has been a real treat, being able to spend time with AMAZING people has been truly INCREDIBLE.

BUT...

During these past three days these emotions surfaced, whose origin or purpose I can not understand. This caused much frustration along with confusion, as I attempted to untangle this mess of tangled ball of yarn that is my head and heart. And the fact that I had to sit and start pulling string after string over and under and through for endless moments trying to make sense of this mess, I had this underlying feeling of shame- I know I shouldn't but there it was, like Jehova Witnesses or Mormons looming at my doorstep- I don't want them there, but they are. So I communicated all of said situation with the party/ies directly involved to which logic and reason, as always, was delicately exposed. Through this I saw the person/s find the end of the string pull every knot and twisty loop into one strait thread, which was proceeded to be wrapped neatly into a ball, and placed back in my hands. The end piece was still a bit tangled, but this interaction brought such clarity and peace, though frusteration with the fact that all of these emotions still were hovering over and in me. It was communicated to me that this is just part of a growing opportunity to which I would gain expereince for similar situations that may rise in the future. That shame need not be a piece of this "mess" as it isn't really a mess, but part of being human. Okay. I can take that. It makes sense. So I go home with two pieces in my hand, one neatly rolled ball of yarn, and in the other the gnarled up end piece, with one short strand connecting each. Upon more introspection, I am able to identify additional sources, factors contributing, and as I verbalize these, it just lifts, its gone. Had I kept all of this inside, it would have been like a covered pot on the stove that will just continue to heat up, and as the water churns violently inside, bubble over. Speaking such things out brought them to just pass by, like a cloud on a windy day.

I'm so glad it was windy out today

Memorial Day Weekend

It's been a little while since my last update,

Memorial day weekend was PHENOM!

Saturday we took a day trip to Deception Pass- it was so beautiful!

As we walk across the bridge, we can look down and see the swirly waters raging violently - much to dangerous for smaller vessels to brave. The waters of this incredible sight empty into the ocean making for a SPECTACULAR view. My Uncle and I hiked part of the mountain on the other side as my cousins played with the rocks along the beach shore. On our way back as we crossed the bridge, I started singing Hosana (Hillsong United version) and as I did I remembered a dream, where I started to sing that song at the mouth of a river .... WAIT! I look out - it was this river that I dreamed about just a week prior to me knowing this place even existed!

In my dream I had been canoeing these waters from the main land to the island to take a piece of dirt/mudd to bring back to the main land, that my leader instructed me would ward off the evil spirits that were bothering the base camp... but as I gathered the mudd I realized that this wasn't going to make any difference- that worship was. So I started to sing Hosana - and as I did I knew that the island, the mouth of the river and all the land that was touched by both the river water and the ocean would be impacted positively in the spiritual realm, it was bringing some sort of breakthrough.

SO... needless to say, I SANG and sang and sang pouring out worship to God as we walked back, to attempt to find the rest of my family. We didn't find them on the first beach, nor the second - we could had checked at the car before venturing out - but I knew that we "wandered aimlessly" for a reason - so that I could worship along the shores of those waters, simply my presence there and what was taking place in the spiritual realm of things was just incredible- God is just so good, he wants to redeem his people, call his land back to him, show them his love.... wow

Sunday

We went to church, where I listened to a pastor share about how demons exsist, that Jesus has all authority, and that we need to act like it. It was good, but Idk what God wanted to show me there- it just felt like yeah... and... Maybe God wants me to learn patience, when being explained things that I am well aware of, in fact miles ahead of this point. And as I write this... maybe a lesson in humility as well.... oh dear...

anyways, after church we headed out to Mount Reiner, up to a point called Paradaise- which is just that. It was so beautiful being up near the tops of the mountains. The weather was so warm that I was in my short sleeve shirt, but we were trudging through the snow! my feet were totally soaked, as my choice footwear always seems to be canvas.... And though I could barely feel my feet we kepts moving, hiking up the snowy mountainside in that heavy wet snow, taking pictures, getting into snowball fights, and for my cousin kaylee and I- slipping up and down the slope while laughing UNCONTROLABLY so that every one who passed by was given a smile and I could just see the transformation from all seriousness and lost in dazed thought- to a light hearted appreciation for the joy that my cousin and I share - I sure am going to miss her...

Monday

we had a chill day at home, I read a lot of the current book I am reading "Eat, Pray, Love" I really like it, tons of interesting things.

Which leaves me with today, Tuesday, to pack get everything together, finish the mosaic I'm workin on, get all my pictures burned onto discs, do laundry, type up my dreams for the past 5 days... faliling behind here, gah! but I go home tomorrow :) I'm soooo excited to be going home

Journey from Boy to Man

Here are my notes from last nights "Fathered by God" talk with John Eldredge - PHENOM!

There is a treasure to be found in the story of David and Goliath.

*war in the middle east

*philistines challenge the israelites to have one of their man take on their giant - goliath

* NO ONE takes up the offer

* David was a shepherd and came to bring his brothers food out on the battle field

*He finds out what's going on and takes up the challange... WHAT? The king says, you are but a youth

*and David proceeds to tell the king of what he had been through - EXPERIENCES that have SHAPED and PREPARED HIM for this very challenge...

************************************************************************************

There is a process by which a BOY, through a series of EXPERIENCES becomes a MAN, nd KNOWS that he is a man..

The first stage throughout this process is

BOYHOOD

*it's a stage of EXPLORATION, DISCOVERY, and WONDER

*the boy is allowed to have awesome experiences because his dad was there - he is safe by the strength of his father

*There is a hunger, a need a yearning to know that your father adores you, delights in you, that you have a place, to know that he has what it takes.

*They need (as well as women) to have a sense of Belovedness

if this stage isn't met

*they can see trials and challenges (as the bear and lions while David was shepherding) not as opportunities to show that he has what it takes, but as abandonment

*Belovedness can be bestowed and taken away- through divorce- and then the message is that the world isnt sucha safe place after all.

*Lack of this belovedness can be seen in adult men who need to be the center of attention, who dominate a discussion, that needs everyone to like him....

Cowboy

*Raging need to answer the question...

*Need experiences to let him be a man

*Needs people to tell him that he has what it takes

*HE needs to discover for HIMSELF

(you''ll see loud music, loud cars, engaging in dangerous stunts or extreme situations)

IF the questioned goes unanswered you will find a man:

* who doesn't take risks, who is hesitant

*find something their good at and camp there

*there is an uncertainty about them, a fear of exposure

When Goliath comes along - it REQUIRES a wilingness in a man to engage

Warrior

competition characterizes this stage

Men have warrior hearts for 2 reasons

1) Adam fell through PASSIVITY (Eve was ATTACKED in the garden by deception, and the Hebrew makes it clear that Adam was right next to her doing NOTHING- not standing up, not speaking-nothing)

There is self-loathing and coward within - but God gives him a warrior heart

2)We were born into a world at war- the enemy comes to assault, the kingdom of darkness is RAPING the earth...

This can be seen in ansewering this question: Name one thing that you don't have to fight for.... (relationship? job? degree?)

This can be shut down in a man...

*through the lie that all agression is wrong.

The Lord is a warrior. The Lord is his name. - this shows us that not all agression is wrong. Jesus dieing on the cross was waging war. Jesus made a robe and used it to hit things, and knock down tables (that was premeditated) zeal for God's house fueled this

*defeated with no explaination or interbretation

* a violent brother

As a result you will find:

*A man who won't engage

*A man who doesn't know how to deal with fears

We need men who

*can handle confrontation

*can do prayer warfare and shut down evil

(This stage in a woman is that she knows she is beautiful and worth fighting for [and in my opinion, learns how to wage war against the enemy and stand her ground as well])

Lover

This is the stage where there is an awakening of the heart

Most men hide in reason, logic, analysis (these are all good things, but they shut out the heart)

Sometimes it takes the presence of beauty to do that - to draw out the heart

An awakened heart opens up for intimacy with God, and with people

Psalm 119 says I run in the path of yourcommands, because you ahve set my heart free

when a woman comes into a man's story- she will want access to his heart.

There is a mystery about Eve- and if Adam hasn't engaged in his heart - he will try to fix her- but Eve doesn't want to be fixed- she wants to be LOVED - the heart needs to engage

This can be Shut down

* a creative man, intuitive, artistic, or musical - Dad or others shame him for it because the dad is a carpenter or engineer- something "manly" they don't understand this mans draw towards music and nature and romance and desire

*Rejection

men who have encountered this will not step up and actively persue a woman (It's not wrong for a woman to persue- arouse/awaken desire- but it is the mans place to take a step forward intitiate)

------this question came up in the conference --- ----

what about young teenage girls/guys who enter into this lover stage at 13-14?

*If a young man's question isn't answered that he has what it takes- he will look to young women

If a young girl's question isn't answered that she is lovely- she will look for it in young men

*If they have their questions answered- they will not look to one another

*this is the job of parents and others- to answer they questions a million times in a million ways- gifts, words, time etc...

KING

David, Moses, Joseph, Jesus - this stage is seen in all of their lives

*This is the great test of a man's life

*He is placed in charge of a "kingdom" (family, job, wealth, knowledge, coach) of which he needs to use and steward

* The very first thing God said to Adam (and Eve) "Rule"

*We have dominion over the earth, and we are to bring God's kingdom to earth

*When can you trust a man with power?

- to one who rules righteously there will be rejoiceing

-being raised up to be a man

*When Jesus took is throne in heaven- everyone there cried out "WORTHY! WORTHY" he ruled with kindness, wisdom, heart of mercy, and compassion

*Men long to have that recognition of being Worthy of their place

There is a Warning here: seductions are greater - battles- trials are bigger

This can be shut down:

*If a he is given a kingdom too soon - dad walks out and says "your the man of the house now"

*If he's never been given a kingdom - dismissed, pushed aside, ignored

SAGE

"My life is a waning kingdom"

stepping down, and letting other men take the healm (income is smaller-retirement, smaller house)

*Paul was in a jail cell - it looked as though everything had diminsished, it was all smaller - but he had the greatest influence from here, writing his letters.

*This is when men have the greatest influence

*Their internal life is greater than their external life

It can be shut down:

-when they are dismissed (we live in a culture that is focused on youth and dismissing the value and wisdom in the older generations)

WE NEED SAGES to bestow wisdom, to guide other men through the process of masculine intitiation

*********************

We have this insurmountable

- we don't have this

- we have so many lessons that are not learned

-we feel stuck or unfinished - but this is the hand we've been dealt...

God presents himself as father

- I will be your father

-You have not received a spirit of fear, but a spirit of sonship by which you cry Abba, father.

-I will not leave you as orphans

- I will come to you- my father will come to you we have a place for you

Will I let him father me?

we have beliefs that get in the way- suspicion of the heart of God

-hard

-distant

-doesn't come through

we have different things that we project onto God that are not of his character and therefore things that we believe of ourselves

"I've got to figure this out" "If any thing good is going to happen, I have to make sure that it happens"

different circumstances will highlight where we still have fatherlessness in our lives- where we have made agreements with the enemy. We make agreements around abandonment/shame/contempt

God will allow things to surface that gets in the way with our intimacy with God

When we break with them, we find the healing that we need

Because of what Jesus did on the cross break the agreement, renounce it, reject it. Pray against fear and pressure

This will bring freedom

Try to do a free association with the word father- what comes up? what have you projected onto God from that?

Take a moment and ask God- "What agreements have I made with my enemy?"

-he wont come through

-I have to earn his love

-when I need him he wont be there

- I need to be perfect

etc

break with them

Did you know you were beloved, adored, delighted in

Did you know that you are deeply and profoundly loved

I am loved

I am a beautiful woman / as a man, I have what it takes

Invite Jesus in

allow him to bring restauration

heavenly crowns and pain of dissapointment that won't go to waste

So, this may sound a bit strange, but sometimes I can feel the crown I wear. Not all the time, but sometimes, I don't know why or how, I just do. I forget that its there, since I don't have eyes to see in the spiritual realm all the time, but its there. I don't even know if this is biblical. I have to look this up- bear with me

Crowns in the Bible that could relate to me:
-Queen Vashti wore a crown to display her BEAUTY
-the king was ATTRACTED to Esther, she had one his FAVOR and APPROVAL, so he crowned her
-...and crowned him with GLORY and HONOR (psalm 8:5)
-...redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with LOVE and COMPASSION (psalm 103;4)
-...the crown on his(God's ANNOINTED) head will be resplendent. (psalm132:18)
-...he crowns the HUMBLE with SALVATION. (psalm 149:4)
-[WISDOM] will set a garland of grace on your head and present you with a crown of SPLENDOR.(prov4:9)
-BLESSINGS crown the head of the RIGHTEOUS (proverbs 10:6)
-but the PRUDENT are crowned with KNOWLEDGE.(proverbs14:18)
-The WEALTH of the WISE is their crown (proverbs 14:24)
-They will enter Zion with singing; everlasting JOY will crown their heads.(Isaiah 35:10)
-to bestow on them a crown of BEAUTY instead of ashes (Isaiah31:3)
-and I put a ring on your nose, earrings on your ears and a beautiful crown on your head. (ezekiel 16:12)
but we do it to get a crown that will LAST FOREVER. (1 corinthians 9:25)
-Similarly, if anyone competes as an athlete, he does not receive the VICTOR'S crown unless he competes according to the rules. (2 Timothy 2:5)
-Now there is in store for me the crown of RIGHTEOUSNESS, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day—and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing. (2 Timothy 4:8)
-Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of LIFE that God has promised to those WHO LOVE HIM. (JAmes1:12)
-And when the Chief Shepherd appears, you will receive the crown of GLORY that will never fade away.(1 Peter 5:4)
-...Be FAITHFUL, even to the point of death, and I will give you the crown of LIFE. (Revalation2:10)
-I am coming soon. HOLD ON to what you have, so that no one will take your crown.(Rev3:11)

So I guess that the concept of wearing a crown is very Biblical... What my crown is I'm not sure
But today it was feeling really heavy - not burdonsome, just heavy, which makes me extra aware that its there. And as I sat at the computer I thought, hey that's neat I wonder why. The last time I felt it it was riding in the car with my sister, and prior to that after a really healing counselling session. And when I feel I am wearing it, I think that my whole countenance shows it. I feel like I just SHINE when I know I'm wearing it. But the series of events today didnt match my awareness of my crown...

I had received an email from my church saying that they were trying to reach me regarding the mentorship program that I had applied to be a mentor for, but they had the wrong phone number, I quickly righted it, and within minutes received a call from one of the youth pastors at my church.

I could tell by the way that he thanked me for applying, that I had been denied, but I held my breath as the anticipation built around receiving the news. "I'm sorry but you have not been accepted to be a mentor", the enemy immediately chimed in, "You don't have what it takes, you are not enough"- so I asked why I hadn't been selected. To which he went to explain that they were looking for a certain type of person for this caliber of a program "bingo, not enough" I immediately start rushing through the interview trying to find some flaw some mistake, something that didn't represent me and my strengths - what skills do I need to acquire to be good enough, what character qualities am I missing that would enable me to be a part of this position- what can I change to fit in. I cholked back tears as I tried to hide this shattered place that I was in from my caller.

I was a mess, and I knew that the enemy would swoop in like vultures to a rotting carcus if I didn't hear truth right away. So I called our family friend, Lisa, an amazing woman who is fully alive, awake, and in tune to the kingdom of God. and imediately empathized and spoke into this whirlwind event that I couldn't make heads or tails of.

She shared her appretiation of my interactions with her children, that my church doesn't have the authority to define me, that I don't need this program because I have the Kingdom of God stirring in my heart, that the gifts and abilities I have don't fit in a paradigm because I have the kinfdom of God. She prayed and asked God to be the judge, that my church doesn't hold judgement, that I don't hold place to enter into self-judgement, and the enemy can not judge. That is for God alone. She spoke into the lies of not being enough, and being too much - ping- exactly where I was hurting. And asked God to bring healing now that this wound was open, that this pain would not go to waste-interesting.

All of my dreams last night had had the common theme of healing, cleaning things out, washing, finding something lost, distributing from the extra I had... The one that stuck in my head most vividly when I gained a bit of consciousness, was one where I was frantically packing at the last minute my 3 overstuffed suitcases. bags to bring here to Washington where I am now, and that for my trip to Costa Rica, I would be going with only one suit case that had a lot of room in the middle,and only an array of clothes that left the suitcase half empty (or half full...) I was up for but a moment, but just long enough to ask God if that had to do with healing, to witch he responded yes. When I did finally wake up this morning I was singing "Let your holy spirit wash over my soul, let your holy spirit come and take control..."

So come Lord, heal these places that have been uncovered, let this pain not go to waste

My hearts road rash

The first week I was here I wiped out on my rollerblades, ripping off several layers of skin. Epidermis no longer there, exposing the dermis with all of the nerve endings. This I found to be quite painful. So much so that an attempt to rip the gauze off of the wound, nearly sent me into shock- clamy skin, nasuea, the works. I eventually used some interesting bandages that act as a second layer of skin, covering the exposed nerve endings and providing a moist scab type covering using the wound's exudate.

And now its nearly healed. I forget about it now, whereas last week I would find my self lifting up my pant leg and playing with the bubble of exudate every where I went.

This whole healing process reminds me of my emotional healing process...
The hurt and pain causing everything to feel so raw, where anything could trigger pain shooting throughout my entire being. Like the gauze I tried to conceal it all, keep it covered, but I wasn't using the right material. I found myself seeking strength, and affirmation in outside sources such as excelling in academics, and receiving attention from men. Tearing these away, surrendering, quite a painful process, and one which I avoided for some time, but once removed the right dressing could be applied.

The gentle healing touch of the Lords hand upon my heart. Who used the "exudate" of my heart and used it for good, turning my hurts, and fears, and shame, into something new - a scab, and the start of new skin, a new joy a new song.

I feel as though where I am at with my leg wound depicts where I am at with my heart wounds. I forget about it sometimes, cuz it just doesn't hurt so much. But every once and a while it gets uncontrollably itchy, and I have to run to the aloe plant and salve my wound, just as I run to his throne, and say "Daddy, will you just hold me here a while" God's bringing me to a place of healing, and the itchyness is getting fewer and further between...

He's a romantic one

So today we went canoeing.
Amazing.
Beautiful.
So many scenes that just take my breath away.
I was sitting at the bough (?the front?) of the canoe,
just drinking it all in.
I was looking at all of the interesting houses.
Their different shapes.
Interesting features that I hadn't seen before.
All along the water's side.
I thought about how one day I would love to build a house.
Maybe before my (future) husband and I marry.
I've been thinking about marriage a lot lately.
So I tell God..." I want someone to romance me"
"I want to be romanced"
"swept off my feet"
so...a little laterI see that there is something red floating in the river.
I want to see what it is.
We continue forward,
and just close enough so that I can get a better look.
when I realize what it is I stretch my arm over the side of the canoe and pull it into the boat
A rose.
a single
fresh cut
redrose
beautiful.
God just romanced me.
it was beautiful.
and I love him
He's a romantic one...